Oh, Snap, Here we go.

Hey, been awhile, I suck and all that. It's just that I was SO depressing. And I get bored with being depressing.

What I Did Over Whatever Break That Was:

Well, I decided that I could not face the idea of opening my heart to that kind of pain again. That if we were going to add to our family it would involve and agency rather than a doctor. That said, we are lazy and, as my husband rightly pointed out at the time, it's hard to imagine us getting our shit together to get that done. He was really upset, and really distant. I spent a ton of time trying to get married to that decision, to convince him and myself that it was best.

And then HAHAHA I got pregnant. And I am scared and glad and I will tell you what, if I had known about all the extra crap I would definitely not have done this on purpose. And then when it was too late and I was all menopausey I would have regretted it. So, yay! But scary. Seriously. Here is the fun:

In addition to the thyroid meds and the folic acid and the baby aspirin, I also get to take prenatals (duh), progesterone (it got me out of the first trimester last time, so why not?), and I get to inject myself every day with a blood thinner. With a NEEDLE. Please send sympathy. I also get to go to the doctor a whole lot. I have 3 appointments in April alone. This includes thyroid monitoring. High risk = party time.

So the blood thinner puts me at higher risk for bleeding, and I am a klutz, so you would not believe how careful I am being. It also carries a higher risk for spinal hematoma if I am given an epidural; I asked and they are going to change me over a few weeks before I deliver to one that cycles out of my system faster, and then they'll take me off completely about 2 days before I deliver.

"But, how do you know when you will deliver?" HAHAHA. See, normal people, the get to live in fear of their water breaking at work or the grocery store or something. Not me! I mean, it could happen, but that would not be cool, because they are not letting me go past 36 weeks. Normal people get to call the doc all "can I go to Labor and Delivery NOW?" I get to schedule a surgery. Normal people get a 20-week ultrasound. I get way more and an amniocentesis or two (one to make sure we're all good and to tell me gender for reals**, and one before surgery to establish that lungs are mature enough for life outside the womb). I will spend 2 days each of my last 6 weeks having non-stress tests done. I know it's for the best but I hate that my path is already carved. I have to have a c-section for a multitude of reasons. I know that. And while I don't think I could ever really have a baby at home (it will never be clean enough or have good enough drugs) I wish I had that choice.

I know how annoyed and maybe bitter I sound, so let me be the first to say that if I get to take home an Actual Baby I will be that last one to give a flying rat's ass about the method of delivering him or her. I'm not a total asshole.

So I am past most of the nausea (except, inexplicably, for motion sickness. I driver 45 minutes each way to work. AWESOME). I am not ridiculously tired all the time. And the blood thinner has mostly stopped making my injection sites look like a grisly child's art project. This is progress. I am 11w1d today.

**The ultrasound indicated that Jakey was a girl. Therefore, I do not trust them in terms of my sweet, modest children's gender.