Anger

Yeah, that is pretty much where I am at.

I don't UNDERSTAND. And it's the old cliche: why the fuck can crackheads and all manner of unfit people able to have babies, and I can't? Is it my dislike of vegetables? Did I do something in a past life, like maybe be Mata Hari (she was bad, right?)? What the FUCK?

If you know me at all, you know that, in the words of my sister, Jen Has To Know. And I hate not knowing why the fuck this happened to me, my husband, my kid, and most of all the baby. What, his whole existence was in MY body? Kid got a raw deal if you ask me. And yes, I know the medical reason. But as far as the more metaphysical why, let me tell you, I've got some strong words for God, if He even gives a shit enough to listen.

I'm angry that I don't look the same - I lost most of the weight very early on (what's that? food? not interested) but I have all these stretch marks and my tummy has a crease in it, and then there is that godawful scar (which, yes, I KNOW I asked for, shut up, it helps my point). My face looks different - it looks sad and lost.

I'm angry that I am not playing with my baby right now. I'm not angry that a coworker is pregnant, because I'm not selfish, but I am angry that another coworker, who sits 15 feet from me, would not SHUT THE FUCK UP about it. For real, people, she came to my desk, where one of the reps I support was talking to me, and told her. But not me. MY DESK. And this is a woman who lost her own son as a teen. This is also the same woman who asked me what the "worst part" was (answer: all of it dumbass). Seriously, I want to stab her in the eye, and usually I really like her.

I'm angry that I have to go to a memorial service, that there is a memorial service. For MY BABY. And other parents' children, but they can get their own blogs. That I have to send family members details and crap. It made me feel dirty.

I'm angry that I have to go on living and grocery shopping and watching Heroes and all that shit. Because (NOT SUICIDAL) I don't want to. I just want to sleep - not in the Shakespearean sleep forever kind of way. I just don't want to be awake.