Pregnancy update - 3rd trimesters are for chumps

I am TERRIBLE at this. Pregnancy? Updating? Both, apparently.

I kept meaning to update, and did not, so then I went and had a baby at just short of 27 weeks. He is 3 days old now and is doing so, so well. He'll be in the NICU for a bit, but really, we just could not be happier. It was not the ideal outcome, but he's here and his prognosis is great.

Birth Story shortly, just needs to be tweaked a bit. To tide you over in the meantime:

On the eve of 16 weeks

Hey, I'm still pregnant! CRAZY.

Had a minor scare a few weeks ago, but let me tell you, that is what dopplers were made for. I had bought one a couple of weeks before, so when I started bleeding (bleeding! With blood!) I was able to check, establish heartbeat, and call the doctor on call. A followup appointment the next day confirmed what I thought, a subchorionic hematoma. So all is well, and the bleeding has stopped, although I am being denied nookie for the time being. BOOOOO.

I'm feeling very "girl" about this, and the gender ultrasound is next month. Contrary to what I thought, I will not be getting an amnio until the very end, and only to establish lung maturity. The perinatologist swears the ultrasound will be accurate, and I told him I would hold him to that. I think he's kind of freaked out by me anyway, because when I went to see him last year for a consult, I had all my labs and the report on my placenta from the c-section, and , um, the autopsy. I wanted to make sure I had it in case my OB's office didn't send my records over, but he was a little shaken that I had it and that I had actually read it. Like, dude, I'm in charge of this body, I kinda need to know what it did for future reference. Long story short, I think Dr. T might fear me a little. I can't decide if that's an advantage yet.

The little one is right up front and I can totally feel her, which is pretty rad. The Husband is very jealous and is accusing me of hogging the baby. The Kid is really excited, and is also excited about the names we've picked out. I may share when we know gender, but since I don't use anyone eles's names on here I am not sure about that.

All in all, I am pretty excited. Whee!

I also want to briefly say happy birthday to my sweet boy, who would have been 2 on May 5. This baby will never take his place, and maybe it's "bad" or whatever (I do feel tremendous guilt because I am stupid) but it was a little easier this year. Whether it's the passage of time or the moving on that is represented by this pregnancy, I don't know, but I suspect it's a bit of both.

Oh, Snap, Here we go.

Hey, been awhile, I suck and all that. It's just that I was SO depressing. And I get bored with being depressing.

What I Did Over Whatever Break That Was:

Well, I decided that I could not face the idea of opening my heart to that kind of pain again. That if we were going to add to our family it would involve and agency rather than a doctor. That said, we are lazy and, as my husband rightly pointed out at the time, it's hard to imagine us getting our shit together to get that done. He was really upset, and really distant. I spent a ton of time trying to get married to that decision, to convince him and myself that it was best.

And then HAHAHA I got pregnant. And I am scared and glad and I will tell you what, if I had known about all the extra crap I would definitely not have done this on purpose. And then when it was too late and I was all menopausey I would have regretted it. So, yay! But scary. Seriously. Here is the fun:

In addition to the thyroid meds and the folic acid and the baby aspirin, I also get to take prenatals (duh), progesterone (it got me out of the first trimester last time, so why not?), and I get to inject myself every day with a blood thinner. With a NEEDLE. Please send sympathy. I also get to go to the doctor a whole lot. I have 3 appointments in April alone. This includes thyroid monitoring. High risk = party time.

So the blood thinner puts me at higher risk for bleeding, and I am a klutz, so you would not believe how careful I am being. It also carries a higher risk for spinal hematoma if I am given an epidural; I asked and they are going to change me over a few weeks before I deliver to one that cycles out of my system faster, and then they'll take me off completely about 2 days before I deliver.

"But, how do you know when you will deliver?" HAHAHA. See, normal people, the get to live in fear of their water breaking at work or the grocery store or something. Not me! I mean, it could happen, but that would not be cool, because they are not letting me go past 36 weeks. Normal people get to call the doc all "can I go to Labor and Delivery NOW?" I get to schedule a surgery. Normal people get a 20-week ultrasound. I get way more and an amniocentesis or two (one to make sure we're all good and to tell me gender for reals**, and one before surgery to establish that lungs are mature enough for life outside the womb). I will spend 2 days each of my last 6 weeks having non-stress tests done. I know it's for the best but I hate that my path is already carved. I have to have a c-section for a multitude of reasons. I know that. And while I don't think I could ever really have a baby at home (it will never be clean enough or have good enough drugs) I wish I had that choice.

I know how annoyed and maybe bitter I sound, so let me be the first to say that if I get to take home an Actual Baby I will be that last one to give a flying rat's ass about the method of delivering him or her. I'm not a total asshole.

So I am past most of the nausea (except, inexplicably, for motion sickness. I driver 45 minutes each way to work. AWESOME). I am not ridiculously tired all the time. And the blood thinner has mostly stopped making my injection sites look like a grisly child's art project. This is progress. I am 11w1d today.

**The ultrasound indicated that Jakey was a girl. Therefore, I do not trust them in terms of my sweet, modest children's gender.

When I said "next time" I meant not really

So in my 3/22 Post, I said "Coming soon: I got an iPhone and won't fucking shut up about it, and the perinatal visit, AKA the How Screwed Are We appointment (spoiler: kindasortanottotallybutdamn)."

HAHAHA. By soon, I apparently meant "in 5 months." And that was 3 posts ago. I suck at this, y'all.

And I KNOW I still owe you a tattoo pic. All, like, 3 of you. SO - if you promise not to mention this place over there on FB, because ANONYMOUS, go look here. The flowers are Lilies of the Valley, which I chose because they are the birth flower (like birthstones, but softer) for May. Although the whole thing about Eve's tears is kinda cool, if you want to get all Feminine Studies about it, in which I have ever only had a passing interest. I'm smart, but I'm kinda shallow, too.

As for the iPhone, I still love it, but the infatuation has passed. I will say, though, that if you get an iPhone, do it about 3-4 weeks before your birthday. And then, like me, spend the next 2 weeks all " iPhone-pictures-email-ipod-games-news-interwebs-kindleapp-ISAWESOME." Everyone you know who is getting you something for your birthday will get you itunes gift cards. Swear to god, STILL have about $12 left over. From MARCH.

As for the perinatal visit, now that I have some distance I'm still unsure of many things. I did run down all the stuff that they found wrong with me all of a sudden, and I'm managing that, so yay. I've lost a little weight, about 7 lbs, so yay! (See? Shallow.) I bleed more now with the baby aspirin, I've noticed. But I don't feel better, because I wasn't feeling bad in the first place.

As far as the perinatal visit, the doc was really nice, but I apparently scheduled the appointment to coincide with the New Mom/Baby release from the Women's Center. They left with Actual Babies, which is lovely for them, but it didn't stop the pain from just ripping through me. The doc told me that it would be "reasonable" to try again, once all the clotting/thyroid stuff was under control. Reasonable? That's...not alarming and not reassuring. It's like, "well, it's not the craziest idea out there..." Not exactly a "Go get 'em, Tiger!" So I'm still kind of terrified, so I'm in a holding pattern. I'm worried that this is holding us back, if this is unhealthy. I need to DO something, but I don't know what that is.

Nobody tells you that the stages of grief aren't linear, like you go through each and you're done. They zig and zag and they haven't ended yet. They've softened somewhat, so there's hope. I'm just SO TIRED of being afraid, of feeling like by doing nothing I'm not even in control.

Wow, this went kind of depressing. Sorry about that. Back to shallow soon, I hope. I want to kick it up a notch in the cheerful department. Not just here, but in general. So I think I will try to do just that.

Got a tattoo

Seemed like the thing to do - I had been mulling it over for right at a year.

Pics and explanation to come - need to upload to somewhere more private than a FB link.

I am an oversensitive asshole, probably

Yep, I am That Girl. The one whose feelings and hangups are everyone else's problem, too. Not really, but a few things have recently made me upset, angry, or resentful, and I'm going to go ahead and get them off my chest.

My mom was supposed to call me on Mother's Day. She did not. My sister and grandmother had a big family cookout in the town they all live in, and I know she was there. I also know that it is customary for the kid to call the mom. But she TOLD me she would call! Given that MD was exactly 5 days after Jakey's birthday, I choose to be kind of resentful over the fact that 1) she did not call, and 2) she very likely got my sister something for MD. I didn't ask, because I don't want to put my sister in that position.

My sister will not SHUT THE FUCK UP about a friend of hers who may or may not be pregnant. Not sure how to politely tell her that I could not give a rat's ass about the possibility, the girl's already tiny bladder, how many tests she has taken, et cetera, et cetera.

One of my very good friends did one of those "How Well Do You Know Me" quizzes on Facebook. It's multiple choice on how well friends know your favorite movie, ice cream flavor, biggest fear, etc. Her biggest fear was "losing a child." HAHAHAHA! Better me than her, I suppose! Why in the everloving FUCK would she include me on that quiz? So of course I am going to be a little pissy tomorrow when I see her (we work together) and she's not going to know why. And I am afraid to be the oversensitive asshole and tell her why.

In other news, I have been a Crazy Bitch for a couple of months, but I had a very nice, long cry the other day and seem to have emerged in top form. Let's hope this lasts. I think this is progress.

I can't sleep

Happy Birthday, little one. We love you and miss you every single day.

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I will be back with more detail, I need to, but I have to live inside my head for a bit. Over the last month went from a basically (okay very, despite my affinity for Marlboros and not for vegetables or exercising) healthy person to a walking, talking trainwreck. I am exaggerating, and I know it could be much worse, like something terminal and shit, but if I can't be self-absobed here, then I am screwed.

I have this. Which causes blood clots, and for which I will be taking a baby aspirin daily for the rest of my life. Do not be alarmed! By Lupus, they mean not really lupus, and by anticoagulant, they mean coagulant (clotting factor).

Oh, and this. Which means I don't process folic acid properly, which can lead to heart issues, so I will be taking a folic acid supplement every day for the rest of my life. The idea is to flood my system with folic acid so that my body has to do SOMETHING with it. Otherwise I can have heart attacks and more stillbirths, possibly with a bonus side of Spina Bifida!

Oh, yeah, and then there is this. For which I will be taking Fake Thyroid Juice. Daily. Rest of life. Also can cause blood clots, hair loss, insensitivity to cold (which, duh), oh, and, you know, depression.

I better get SO THIN. I mean, there's got to be an upside to this, right? I said, RIGHT?

I am basically a walking stroke waiting to happen. The smoking, it is going away, almost entirely gone in fact. Yay for Chantix! Boo to my insurance for not covering it! But overall, yay!

Coming soon: I got an iPhone and won't fucking shut up about it, and the perinatal visit, AKA the How Screwed Are We appointment (spoiler: kindasortanottotallybutdamn).

Anticipation

Annual exam tomorrow. About to go Dr. Googling to form my gigantical list of questions.

Whatever happens, they will never be able to guarantee I will be okay and survive a future pregnancy, because doctors don't like to get sued. And I don't think anything less that the guarantee of:
1) healthy baby
2) healthy wife
will be enough to satisfy anybody involved.

Fuuuuuuuuuck.

Anger and deadlines

So the doctor's office told me we needed to have at least 18 months between deliveries. So when anyone asked, you know, all tentatively if we are going to try again (you know, because the third time was so utterly charmless), my stock answer is that I am not allowed to make any decisions until February. That's nine months since May, and pregnancies take nine months, and math is fun!

So, in my twisted little head, apparently, I turned February not into when we can decide what to do next, but that we MUST decide. And I have thus been a raving bitch because I did not realize what an enormous amount of pressure I put on myself.

I want to adopt every kid in the universe, but I don't think we are ready to take that step for even one. I mean, we just got a puppy. Puppies are like babies who chew the hell out of you and your shoes.

And we are both terrified of pregnancy. I am because I don't think my fragile little psyche (hah!) can take even another miscarriage, and the Husband because I am his woobie and he does not want the same issues cropping up and killing, you know, ME this time.

So I think February will come and go, and then spring will come, and maybe I can be less paralyzed by pressure and let the chips fall where they may. In the meantime, I need to come up with a nice way to say "I don't know what we are going to do. Are you and your husband going to have lots of sex/adopt/go to the doctor for your next kid? Oh, it's none of my business. I see."

Seriously, why does my kid not surviving make my reproductive plans a viable topic of discussion? I dunno. Maybe I'm all pissy about it because I am such a raving bitch.